I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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