Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
