On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you traded sex for a burrito?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
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And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You're like the curious george of whores
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
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Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
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Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare