you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
