I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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