yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Randomize
