True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I can't turn off my feet"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
