I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
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The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
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Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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