oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
