My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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