So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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