She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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