Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing