I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still dying that you shit outside
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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