I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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