you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
