I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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