i permit you to call me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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