so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
