she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
