omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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