I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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