You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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