I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she looked like the before picture.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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