we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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