Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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