For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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