one might say we're banned from that church
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
