Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
