You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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