Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
