At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I want to fling myself into the sun
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
