Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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