I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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