I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
