we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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