he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
