I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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