Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
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