i love accidental penises.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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