My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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