I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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