At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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