Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
