I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
