I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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