This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
