I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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