last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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