I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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