Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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