well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
