paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just had sex bonerless
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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