Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
