Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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