I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
