i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
